Yes, I make more mention of anger, sex,
and less of jealousy, because jealousy is not a primary thing. It is secondary,
it is a secondary part of sex.
Whenever you have a sexual urge in your mind, a sexual happening in your
being, whenever you feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy
enters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never
Try to understand the whole thing. Whenever you are sexually related you
are afraid, because sex is really not a relationship, it is an exploitation.
If you are attached to a woman or man sexually, you are always afraid
that this woman may go to somebody else, this man may move to somebody
else. There is no relationship really, it is just mutual exploitation.
You are exploiting each other, but you don't love and you know it, so
you are afraid.
This fear becomes jealousy so you may not allow things, you will guard;
you'll make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another
woman.Even looking will be a danger signal. This man should not talk to
another woman because talking.... and you feel afraid he may leave. So
you will close all the paths, all the ways of this man going to another
woman, of this woman going to another man; you will close all the ways,
all the doors.
But then a problem arises. When all the doors are closed, the man becomes
like, the woman becomes dead, a prisoner, a slave, and you cannot love
a dead thing. You cannot love one who is not free because love is beautiful
only when it is given freely, when it is not taken and demanded and forced.
First you make security arrangements, then the person becomes dead, becomes
like an object. A beloved may be a person, a wife becomes an object; a
beloved may be a person, a husband becomes an object to be guarded, possessed,controlled.
But the more you control, the more you are killing, because freedom is
lost. And the other person may be there for other reasons, but not for
love,because how can you love a person who possesses you? He looks like
Sex creates jealousy but it is a secondary thing. So it is not a question
of how to drop jealousy; you cannot drop it because you cannot drop sex.
The question is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
If you love a person, the very love is enough guarantee, the very love
is enough security. If you love a person, you know he cannot go to anybody
else.And if he goes, he goes; nothing can be done. What can you do? You
can kill the person, but a dead person will not be of much use.
When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. If he goes,there
is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. There
is no jealousy.
So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a
game,you are hiding sex behind love. Love is just a painted word, the
reality is sex.
In India, because love is not allowed much, not allowed at all -- marriage
is arranged -- tremendous jealousy exists. A husband is always afraid.
He has never loved so he knows -- and the wife is always afraid because
she has never loved, so she knows -- that this has been an arrangement.
The parents arranged, astrologers arranged, society arranged; the wife
and husband were never asked.In many cases they never knew each other,
they had never seen each other. So fear exists. The wife is afraid, the
husband is afraid, and both are spying on each other. The very possibility
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but that living together
is also not living together; they only tolerate together, they some how
carry on together. It is just utilitarian, and out of utility you may
manage, but ecstasy is not possible. You cannot celebrate it, it cannot
become festive; it will be a burden some affair.
So a husband is dead before death, and a wife is dead before death. It
is two dead persons taking revenge on each other, because each thinks
that one has killed the other. Taking revenge, angry, jealous -- the whole
sourly becomes sourly.
But in the West a different type of phenomenon is happening which is the
same on the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage and it is good,
that institution is not worth keeping, but by dropping it, love has not
arisen, only sex has become free. And when sex is free you are always
afraid because it is always a temporary arrangement. You are with this
girl to she will tomorrow she will be with somebody else, and yesterday
she was with Yesterday these. Yesterday the girl was with somebody else,
tomorrow she will again be with somebody else; only tonight she is with
How can this be very intimate and deep? It can only be a meeting of the
surfaces. You cannot penetrate each other because penetration needs seasoning,it
needs time, it needs depth, intimacy, living together, being together.
A longtime is needed then depth opens -- depths talking to each other....
This is just acquaintance. It may not even be acquaintance -- in the West
you can meet a woman on the train and make love, and at midnight you drop
her at some station. She never bothers that she may never know you again;
she may not even have asked your name.
If sex becomes such a trivial thing -- just a bodily affair where surfaces
meet and separate -- your depth remains untouched. You are again missing
something -- something great, something very mysterious -- because you
become aware of your own depth only when somebody else touches it. Only
through the other do you become aware of your inner being; only in deep
relationship does somebody's love resound in you and bring your depth
into being. Only through somebody else do you discover yourself.
There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation -- without the other
you search for the depth; another is love -- with the other you search
for the depth. He becomes a root to reach to yourself. The other creates
a circle, and both lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the deeper
they feel they are; their inner-beings are revealed. But then there is
no jealousy. Love cannot be jealous, it is impossible. Love is always
trusting, and if something happens that breaks your trust you have to
accept it; nothing can be done about it because whatsoever you do will
destroy the other.
Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force it. Jealousy tries, makes
you make every effort so that trust can be maintained, but trust is not
something to be maintained. It is there, or it is not there, and I say
that nothing can be done about it. If it is there, you go through it;
if it is not there, better separate.
But don't fight for it because you are wasting time, life. If you love
someone and your depth speaks to the other's depth -- you have a meeting
in being -- it is okay, beautiful; if it is not happening, separate. But
don't create any conflict, struggle
or fight for it, because it cannot be achieved through fight, and time
is lost -- and not only time, your capacity will be damaged. You may start
again with another person repeating the whole pattern.
If there is no trust, separate -- the sooner, the better -- so you are
not destroyed, so you are not damaged, so your capacity to love remains
fresh and you can love somebody else. This is not the place, this is not
the man, this is not the woman for you. Move, but don't destroy each other.
Life is very short and capacities are very delicate. They can be destroyed,and
once damaged there is no possibility of repairing them.
I have heard that once it happened that Winston Churchill was invited
to speak in a small club of friends. Everybody knew that Churchill was
a drunkard and loved alcohol very much, and the man who introduced him,
the president of the club, said, "Sir Winston has drunk so much wine up
to now, that if we pour all the wine into this hall the level will come
up to my head." It was a big hall, and he was just joking.
Winston Churchill stood, looked at the imaginary line, looked at the ceiling--
the ceiling was high -- became very sad, and he said, "So much still to
be done, and so little time left to do it."
As far as love is concerned, so much is to be done for everyone and so
little time is left to do it. Don't waste your energy in fighting, jealousy,conflict;
move, and move in a friendly way.
Search somewhere else for the person who exists who will love you. Don't
get fixed with someone who is wrong, not for you. Don't be angry, there
is no point in it, and don't try to force trust; nobody can force it,
it never happens. You will miss the time, you will miss the energy, and
you may only become aware when nothing can be done. Move. Either trust
Love always trusts, or if it finds that the trust is not possible it simply
moves in a friendly way; there is no conflict and fight. Sex creates jealousy;
find, discover love. Don't make sex the basic thing -- it is not.
India missed with arranged marriage; the West is missing with free love.
India missed love because parents were too calculating and cunning. They
would not allow falling in love: that is dangerous, nobody knows where
it will lead. They were too clever, and through cleverness India missed
all possibility of love.
In the West they are too rebellious, too young; not clever -- too young,
too childish. They have made sex a free thing, available everywhere: no
need to go so deep to discover love, enjoy sex and be finished.
Through sex, the West is missing: through marriage, the East has missed.
But if you are alert you need not be Eastern, you need not be Western.
Love is neither Eastern nor Western.
Go on discovering love within you. And if you love, sooner or later the
person will happen to you, because a loving heart, sooner or later, comes
to a loving heart -- it always happens. You will find the right person.
But if you are jealous you will not find, if you are simply for sex you
will not find, if you live only for security you will not find.
Love is a dangerous path and only those who have courage can travel it.
And I say to you it is the same, just like meditation -- only for those
who are courageous. And there are only two ways to reach the divine: either
meditation or love. Find out which is your way, which can be your destiny.